After dealing with that car accident and driving all Monday night in Brown Sugar, I got home at 1:00 a.m. My head said, "Go to bed, go straight to bed, do not pass Go, do not collect $200." I obeyed and did my best to stay awake at work that Tuesday. After work that day, I had to figure out when to get my car repaired and I tried to get in touch with my home security company to beef up my service. So, naturally, that was the perfect time for...
2008 Problem 4
By Tuesday night, I was exhausted and that nasty seat-belt bruise was looking gross. I just wanted to sleep. I curled up in bed and I heard this noise in my attic. It sounded like little squirrel feet. Then I heard a shriek that I often hear from the squirrels that have laid claim to the creek in my back yard. Only, that shriek was coming from my attic. I knew there was no way to get them out at night so I decided to wait until morning to de-squirrel my attic. They must have woken me up about 20 times that night.
On Wednesday, I was home for lunch and I looked in the attic. Nothing. I figured they didn't like my accommodations and they left. Whew! But later that evening, I heard them again. I made M go up into the attic to investigate. As he looked up into the attic, I saw his face drop. And he said, "They're not squirrels. They're raccoons. And they're fu*&ing!" I almost vomited on the spot. I forced M to immediately close the attic door because those nasty things can carry rabies!
It turns out that the raccoons chewed through a vent screen on my roof and got into the attic. January is mating season for raccoons and in March/April they nest and have babies. My attic was their nocturnal love shack! And during the day, they were spooning in a dark corner sleeping the day away.
On Thursday, I made phone calls to Animal Control, I lit some St. Francis candles and I bought this blue powder called Critter Ridder. I sprinkled the Critter Ridder (which aggravates a raccoon's eyes and nose) all around my house and in my attic. During the day, while I was at work, I placed a boom-box in the attic that blared La Casa 106.7 FM. If those raccoons were going to disrupt my sleep, I was going to disrupt theirs with the best in Tejano music. Animal Control lent me a raccoon trap that I set up in the attic. And the St. Francis candle was joined by a rosary session and some holy water.
By Friday night, they were gone and it only cost me $50 total. M was kind enough to repair the vent screen for me. And I finally did catch some Z's but I never did catch anything in the raccoon trap. For which I am grateful because that would have grossed me out even more than knowing some raccoons turned my attic into a dirty motel.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Brown Sugar
So, you already know about my January filled with many car troubles and attempted burglaries. As promised, here comes....
2008 Problem 3
Since January was sucking balls, I was excited to be going on a short road trip with some family and M to San Antonio. It was an excellent three-day weekend filled with too much food and not enough cocktails.
I rode back to Big D with M in his truck on January 21. The rain was pouring down, traffic was bad and when we finally made it into Austin, we were starving. We took an exit off I-35 and traveled towards one of our Austin favs. You know I'm talking about you Vinny's!
We were driving north on Lamar when we saw some crazy bitch driving south down the wet hill. She started to hydroplane, lost control, drove across the median and right into the oncoming traffic. Which included us. First, the crazy bitch hit a pickup and then the pickup smashed into a Caddy. (It was a gold Caddy!)
We were far enough down the hill that we witnessed the whole, scary thing. And then... that crazy bitch started sliding toward us! She never hit the brakes! M tried to move the truck so she wouldn't hit my side. But her car was swirling and there was nowhere to go.
She hit my side of the truck while we were at a complete stop. And we saw her coming so we knew it was going to be bad. My body pushed forward into the seat belt and then pushed back against the seat. M was jolted but since the impact wasn't on his side, it wasn't that bad. Nobody else was hurt in the accident. Is it bad that I kinda wanted that crazy bitch to bleed?
Anyway, M's truck was really damaged and wouldn't even start. It was towed to a body shop that night so that left us stranded in Austin and I had to be at work the next day!
Luckily, M's cousin lives nearby and he picked us up. We made all the insurance calls at his place and he graciously offered us his brown Suburban, appropriately named Brown Sugar, to drive back to Dallas. Now, I need to note that M's cousin is a mortician. His place is a morgue and Brown Sugar has no middle or back seats because it's used to pick up bodies. And we drove it in the middle of the night back to Dallas. Eeek!
We made it back to Dallas safely. I had a seatbelt shaped bruise from my right shoulder to my left breast. So pretty! The bruise is gone now but it was a great conversation starter! M's truck is still in Austin getting repaired. It'll be a while before it's fixed.
So anyway, that's 3 things about the hot mess that is my life. Problem 4 is coming soon and it involves raccoons. You have to come back for that one next week!
2008 Problem 3
Since January was sucking balls, I was excited to be going on a short road trip with some family and M to San Antonio. It was an excellent three-day weekend filled with too much food and not enough cocktails.
I rode back to Big D with M in his truck on January 21. The rain was pouring down, traffic was bad and when we finally made it into Austin, we were starving. We took an exit off I-35 and traveled towards one of our Austin favs. You know I'm talking about you Vinny's!
We were driving north on Lamar when we saw some crazy bitch driving south down the wet hill. She started to hydroplane, lost control, drove across the median and right into the oncoming traffic. Which included us. First, the crazy bitch hit a pickup and then the pickup smashed into a Caddy. (It was a gold Caddy!)
We were far enough down the hill that we witnessed the whole, scary thing. And then... that crazy bitch started sliding toward us! She never hit the brakes! M tried to move the truck so she wouldn't hit my side. But her car was swirling and there was nowhere to go.
She hit my side of the truck while we were at a complete stop. And we saw her coming so we knew it was going to be bad. My body pushed forward into the seat belt and then pushed back against the seat. M was jolted but since the impact wasn't on his side, it wasn't that bad. Nobody else was hurt in the accident. Is it bad that I kinda wanted that crazy bitch to bleed?
Anyway, M's truck was really damaged and wouldn't even start. It was towed to a body shop that night so that left us stranded in Austin and I had to be at work the next day!
Luckily, M's cousin lives nearby and he picked us up. We made all the insurance calls at his place and he graciously offered us his brown Suburban, appropriately named Brown Sugar, to drive back to Dallas. Now, I need to note that M's cousin is a mortician. His place is a morgue and Brown Sugar has no middle or back seats because it's used to pick up bodies. And we drove it in the middle of the night back to Dallas. Eeek!
We made it back to Dallas safely. I had a seatbelt shaped bruise from my right shoulder to my left breast. So pretty! The bruise is gone now but it was a great conversation starter! M's truck is still in Austin getting repaired. It'll be a while before it's fixed.
So anyway, that's 3 things about the hot mess that is my life. Problem 4 is coming soon and it involves raccoons. You have to come back for that one next week!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Grammy Night!
In honor of Grammy night, I busted out on the Dance Piano. Sorry to the kids who had to wait for me until I finished playing my Grammy-worthy performance of Für Elise.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
The Latino Locksmith
As you know, I've decided to let file a grievance with the month of January, 2008. The many, many problems that happened during that month will be filed here.
2008 Problem 2
On January 11, I was still mad about shelling out over 5-hundy for car repairs. But I was glad it was Friday and I wanted to get home to watch Oprah.
I got home at 5:18, pulled into the driveway and clicked the garage door opener. But the garage door didn't go up. I got the opener and walked right up to the garage door and clicked several times. Nothing. My garage opener has a keypad so I entered my code and the door still didn't open. I walked around the house and saw that my house did have electricity. So I couldn't figure out why the door wouldn't open. After a few phone calls to my brother and my dad, I basically had 2 choices: break a window or call a locksmith because I didn't have my house keys with me and my parents lost the spare keys.
5:36 - I called a local locksmith and they said Fernando was on his way to my house.
6:06 - Fernando, the Latino Locksmith, still had not arrived. I was getting hungry, it was getting cold outside. And I had to pee. I called Fernando and he said he was stuck in traffic. I said, "Isn't your business two blocks from my house?" He said, "No. We're part of a team and the locksmith by your house was already out on a call. So they sent it to me and I'm from Rockwall, but I'm almost there." ROCKWALL?? Holy shit!
6:36 - I called Fernando and he said he was "really close." I was afraid to leave my driveway because I thought he'd show up while I was gone and I'd have to wait even longer for his return. The pee emergency was at level orange. I thought about peeing in my backyard, but there are so many squirrels I was afraid they'd bite my butt.
7:18 - Fernando arrived. He unlocked the front door. Once I opened the garage from the inside, the keypad and remote opener started working again. Weird. I peeked at Fernando's price sheet and it looked like he was going to charge me $120! But strangely, he said, "That will be $50." So I quickly wrote him a check before he changed his mind. Before he left my house, he said, "I spent all day at the studio and I'm having an art show tomorrow. Would you like to go to dinner and then to the show with me?" I kindly declined and then told him I really had to pee. Then he asked me for some Advil. ?? Weird.
On January 14, the day after my Check Engine light came on again, I called the manufacturer of my garage door opener and explained what happened. They said my opener "locked down" as a defense against an attempted break in. Evidently, some asshole was using another garage door opener and trying to break into my house with it. Or the asshole was entering in code after code into the keypad trying to break in. Either way... someone tried to break into my house!!!
I guess things could have been worse because this problem only cost me $50 and 2 Advil. But those 2 problems from January are just the beginning. More coming soon... and they involve raccoons and a Suburban named Brown Sugar.
2008 Problem 2
On January 11, I was still mad about shelling out over 5-hundy for car repairs. But I was glad it was Friday and I wanted to get home to watch Oprah.
I got home at 5:18, pulled into the driveway and clicked the garage door opener. But the garage door didn't go up. I got the opener and walked right up to the garage door and clicked several times. Nothing. My garage opener has a keypad so I entered my code and the door still didn't open. I walked around the house and saw that my house did have electricity. So I couldn't figure out why the door wouldn't open. After a few phone calls to my brother and my dad, I basically had 2 choices: break a window or call a locksmith because I didn't have my house keys with me and my parents lost the spare keys.
5:36 - I called a local locksmith and they said Fernando was on his way to my house.
6:06 - Fernando, the Latino Locksmith, still had not arrived. I was getting hungry, it was getting cold outside. And I had to pee. I called Fernando and he said he was stuck in traffic. I said, "Isn't your business two blocks from my house?" He said, "No. We're part of a team and the locksmith by your house was already out on a call. So they sent it to me and I'm from Rockwall, but I'm almost there." ROCKWALL?? Holy shit!
6:36 - I called Fernando and he said he was "really close." I was afraid to leave my driveway because I thought he'd show up while I was gone and I'd have to wait even longer for his return. The pee emergency was at level orange. I thought about peeing in my backyard, but there are so many squirrels I was afraid they'd bite my butt.
7:18 - Fernando arrived. He unlocked the front door. Once I opened the garage from the inside, the keypad and remote opener started working again. Weird. I peeked at Fernando's price sheet and it looked like he was going to charge me $120! But strangely, he said, "That will be $50." So I quickly wrote him a check before he changed his mind. Before he left my house, he said, "I spent all day at the studio and I'm having an art show tomorrow. Would you like to go to dinner and then to the show with me?" I kindly declined and then told him I really had to pee. Then he asked me for some Advil. ?? Weird.
On January 14, the day after my Check Engine light came on again, I called the manufacturer of my garage door opener and explained what happened. They said my opener "locked down" as a defense against an attempted break in. Evidently, some asshole was using another garage door opener and trying to break into my house with it. Or the asshole was entering in code after code into the keypad trying to break in. Either way... someone tried to break into my house!!!
I guess things could have been worse because this problem only cost me $50 and 2 Advil. But those 2 problems from January are just the beginning. More coming soon... and they involve raccoons and a Suburban named Brown Sugar.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Crappy New Year!
Well, 2008 has not been my year. I spent most of January in the fetile position and wondering how many more Jell-O shots I have left in the fridge. A friend of mine said the best thing to do was to take one bad thing, write about it, then let it go for good. And I started to... but then other weirdo, horrible things kept happening. I don't know what I did to piss off God, but I hope that this new month will bring happier times.
I can't write all my weirdo problems in one post so I'll just pick one to start with. So here we go...
2008 Problem 1
This problem actually began at the very end of 2007. I took my sweet Jetta -that has NEVER been into a shop for repairs- in for a regular oil change and ended up in the VW repair shop. I still don't entirely understand how that oil change went wrong, but I now know that failure to reconnect an air valve is a bad thing. The VW people were really nice and got my Jetta moving again. Then 8 hours later, that stupid Check Engine light came on. I couldn't figure out if the problem was somehow linked to the oil change or if my car was somehow becoming an instant junker.
Over the next few days, I argued with the owner of the oil change place. I called a million mechanics. After all was said and done, I agreed to take the Jetta back to the VW repair shop on January 4. Unfortunately, on January 3, I got a nice glob of liquid Gain in my eye in a freak laundry accident. My right eye swelled up like a puffer fish and I couldn't see out of it. I washed it out and put eye drops, etc... But in the morning, I basically looked like this. I got to the VW place on January 4 and some dude totally drove his car in front of mine and cut in line. Asshole! Then he saw my disfigured eye and ran away without even apologizing. Then, hours later, I found out my car's problem had nothing to do with the oil change. Ugh! So a few days and $518 later, the Jetta was fixed.
On January 13, the Check Engine light came on again. I agonized about whether to take it back to the shop or just drive that car into White Rock Lake. After a week of more phone calls and investigating, I took it back to the VW repair shop. Luckily, it was a small problem and they didn't charge me! Amazing.
In the grand scheme of things, I guess it could have been worse. But you've only heard one problem. And there are several... stay tuned.
I can't write all my weirdo problems in one post so I'll just pick one to start with. So here we go...
2008 Problem 1
This problem actually began at the very end of 2007. I took my sweet Jetta -that has NEVER been into a shop for repairs- in for a regular oil change and ended up in the VW repair shop. I still don't entirely understand how that oil change went wrong, but I now know that failure to reconnect an air valve is a bad thing. The VW people were really nice and got my Jetta moving again. Then 8 hours later, that stupid Check Engine light came on. I couldn't figure out if the problem was somehow linked to the oil change or if my car was somehow becoming an instant junker.
Over the next few days, I argued with the owner of the oil change place. I called a million mechanics. After all was said and done, I agreed to take the Jetta back to the VW repair shop on January 4. Unfortunately, on January 3, I got a nice glob of liquid Gain in my eye in a freak laundry accident. My right eye swelled up like a puffer fish and I couldn't see out of it. I washed it out and put eye drops, etc... But in the morning, I basically looked like this. I got to the VW place on January 4 and some dude totally drove his car in front of mine and cut in line. Asshole! Then he saw my disfigured eye and ran away without even apologizing. Then, hours later, I found out my car's problem had nothing to do with the oil change. Ugh! So a few days and $518 later, the Jetta was fixed.
On January 13, the Check Engine light came on again. I agonized about whether to take it back to the shop or just drive that car into White Rock Lake. After a week of more phone calls and investigating, I took it back to the VW repair shop. Luckily, it was a small problem and they didn't charge me! Amazing.
In the grand scheme of things, I guess it could have been worse. But you've only heard one problem. And there are several... stay tuned.
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