Yes, Viginia, There Is A Rule About Drinking At Graduation

I graduated on Dec. 19 with my second Master's degree. It was a chilly day in Beaumont, TX and I rushed to get into the auditorium. We were divided into rooms based on the degree you were receiving and your last name. In my room, we had a lot of no-shows so we all just kinda sat around and talked.

As we were lining up, a woman came rushing in. She was running late and made it just in time. Her hair was all the way to her knees and she was carrying a wrinkled graduation gown and chugging a cold bottled coffee.

It turns out this long haired woman, Virginia, was full on drunk. At 9:30 a.m. Turns out that Starbucks drink was not just coffee. Virginia proceeded to tell us, in great detail, stories of her family, her stresses through grad school and other personal problems.

As luck would have it, Virginia sat next to me at the graduation. Our last names are not even close in the alphabet, but because of all the no-shows, she was my neighbor. The ceremony was in the opening phase when Virginia pulled up her graduation gown, hiked up her skirt and pulled a cell phone out of her thigh-highs. We were strictly told not take cell phones, but Virginia found a way.

It was time to go across the stage. (By the way, M got it on video and will post it soon.) As we were waiting in line to go across, some of our professors were sitting near the line. They were shaking the hands of the graduates and giving us a, "Congratulations!" as we walked by. But not Virginia. She reached over and did a full on hug. The kind of hug you get from a drunk relative at Christmas. And she didn't just hug one professor, she hugged them all- even the ones that were not from the education department.

Needless to say, Virgina made that graduation the funniest one yet... and thankfully, I do have a basis for comparison. There were other ceremonies that were more sentimental, like the first Master's where I sat next to one of my sweetest friends. Or my Bachelor's graduation when my brother yelled, "Way to go Munchkin" and everyone laughed. But this one, with drunk Virginia, was the funniest. Thanks, Virginia!

After the ceremony, I joined my family and M for lunch. The graduation was actually really short and didn't last all afternoon like some ceremonies. During lunch, I told my family about Virginia and we all laughed. I couldn't help but wonder what Virginia was having for lunch.

The Christmas Wish List - 2009

Buckle up, kids. After a one-year hiatus, the Christmas wish list makes its second appearance. I mainly do this for M, my sweet babboo, who never knows what to get me. Also, it's a fun way to share some of the things I've spotted during 2009 that would make a fun gift for anyone. Here we go...

1. This awesome sleeping bag to be used only by nerdy Star Wars fans, like yours truly.


2. This t-shirt needs no explanation, as it is already a classic.


3. This movie is still a family favorite. We used to have it on VHS but it was eaten by a VCR in 1998.


4. This cool jewelry thingy caught my eye and I WANT IT!


5. I think anyone would enjoy this piece of interactive clothing.

6. You can do me a solid and make a donation to my favorite charity, The March of Dimes.

Merry Christmas!

Always a Line for the Ladies Room

I went to at a training session in a different building. The training session consisted of five whole days but they spread those days out over 2 weeks. During our daily sessions, we would get 15-minute breaks. And without fail, the guys always commented on how long it took us girls to get in and out of the bathroom. So, I decided to write this post for them. Especially Mr. Know-It-All Guy from Garland.

First of all, it is most important to note that the main time suck in a women’s restroom are all those fancy automatic things that have become the norm in public restrooms. Allow me to explain that along with the other factors that cause those looong lines. And since this is bathroom talk, it may get ugly.

When a woman walks into a public restroom, there are four things that must be in place before we can commit to one stall.

1. There cannot be anything, and I mean anything, on the toilet seat or floating in the bowl. Why? Because we actually have to sit down, naked on the seat. We could potentially sit on something grody or something grody could splash up on us. Eww!

2. There must be toilet paper in the stall.

3. If toilet seats covers are available, there must be some in the container.

4. The door must lock. Can you imagine sitting there naked and someone pushes the door open? Not pretty.

If any of those items are not in place, we immediately back out of the stall and try the next one. Once we are committed to a stall, we have to remove every item of clothing from the waist down. And we have to be careful that our clothing (at knee level) doesn’t touch the toilet. Also, there is a very delicate amount of time between placing the toilet seat cover on the seat and then sitting down. If you place the cover on too soon, it can slide right into the bowl. Once everything is in order, we do our business and then proceed to get dressed.

With the invention of automatic flushing came yet another thing to add to the already crammed timing in the restroom. There are 4 basic problems with flushing.

1. The automatic flusher sometimes does not flush. So you have to stand there and wiggle around in hopes of setting off the sensor. If that does not work, you have to get a piece of toilet paper and hold it while pushing the flusher button.

2. The automatic flusher goes off too early. So you have to jump up as fast as possible in hopes of avoiding the unintentional bidet.

3. There is no automatic flusher – it is the old school knob. You have to get a piece of toilet paper and hold it while flushing or you can flush with your shoe. Just kick up that foot!

4. The flusher is broken. That is a whole other nightmare that has to be dealt with because the ladies waiting in line will know that you are the one who left a potty present.

Once things have been flushed and we are dressed, we exit the stall and proceed to the sink. We have to wash our hands with soap and dry them off. There are four things that can go wrong here.

1. The automatic soap and water dispensers are not only picky, but also greedy. You have to hold your hand in just the right spot so the sensor will give you one tiny squirt of soap. So you have to keep at it until you get enough soap. The automatic water dispensers are designed to conserve water. But you simply cannot get the soap off your hands with the small amount of water they provide. So you could be there a while trying to get the sensor to give you just enough water to rinse off.

2. The automatic paper towel dispensers do not recognize you and will not give you a paper towel. Sometimes you have to stand there and wiggle your wet hand around the sensor until some paper scoots out of the machine.

3. The automatic dryers are a good thing. Good for the environment and good for the clean up crew. However, they are disgusting because water pools on the floor just below them. They take a really long time and they still don’t do a good job of drying your hands. Other ladies are in line waiting for the dryers so we abort mission and exit the bathroom. And can’t help but squirm when touching the already wet door knob.

4. The automatic dryers are broken and/or there are no paper towels. This is particularly annoying if you notice it after having washed your hands. You gotta do the “dog shake off” and hope for the best.

So you see, a lot of the delay in women’s restrooms is caused by timing – it has to be just right. The automatic things that were installed in hopes of moving the process along have only made it worse. Plus, the whole issue of getting fully undressed then redressed is a problem… especially if you’re wearing tights or leggings.

Oh and we didn’t even get into hair/makeup checks and the fragile subject of “that time of the month.” I will spare you. But just know that these issues are just a part of what we deal with in a public restroom and that’s just the way it is. Now pass me some toilet paper from under the stall wall; I’m out.

It's Over!

Over the last 18 months, I have been married to Lamar University. I'm sad to say that there were times when I contemplated throwing in the towel and getting a quickie divorce. It just didn't seem worth it. I was doing all this work and Lamar was putting nothing into the relationship. When Lamar did choose to speak to me, it was always in an e-mail and would unwittingly accused me of doing things wrong. However, I knew a quickie divorce would be messy... especially if I tried to hook up with a new university later on.

So I stuck it out. I knew that I could win if I just held out long enough. And I did. My final project, which I like to call the Divorce Decree, was a 23-page paper and it was submitted earlier today. The class doesn't officially end until next week, but I wanted to jump ahead to end this thing properly. There is such a thing as a civilized divorce.

I did go through 8 high-lighters and 14 reams of paper to get this second Master's degree. Oh, and it also cost me one social life. But I must say that it's nice to have my life back. I'm feeling excited about the possibilities and anxious to see what the next chapter is in my little life.

The Return of Rocky the Raccoon!

Well, I only thought Rocky had left me for good. He's back in full force and had a full-on bachelor party in my attic last night. It honestly scared the crap out of me at first.

I called an exterminator and he told me that they do some sort of bomb that "stinks them out." I don't know exactly what that means as raccoons are not the scrub-a-dub type. But after a lengthy conversation with Matt, exterminator extraordinaire, I hired him.

It turns out he won't hurt or harm Rocky in any way. He just gets Rocky out and sends him on his way... to find the next party place. Then Matt actually patches up the point of entry and Rocky is officially locked out. I explained that I had tried to lock Rocky out before and, evidently, he found his way back in. Matt guarantees that his lockout is fool-proof and Rocky-proof. I'll let you know how that goes.

In the meantime, I need to invest in some good ear plugs because Rocky is like an inconsiderate, nocturnal guest that overstays his welcome and eats you out of house and home. Literally.

The Post for Livia

Ok. The secret is out. The friend I refer to as L in my blog is actually Livia. She is the coolest thing that ever happened to the Texas Panhandle. And she asked me to update my blog so here I am.

I have been swamped with my second Master's. That degree takes up all my free time and I'm ready for it to be over with. I kinda just want my normal life back. It seems that this grad school schedule makes me kinda grumpy.

For example, last month I found my temper flaring and I almost barked at a girl that made me mad. Typically I keep my cool or just blow things off. But that girl crossed paths with me on the wrong day - just before a big assignment was due. And I nearly went into attack mode.

It's weird for me not to like somebody. I mean, there are people I really don't like (I'm looking at you Jessica Alba, Latina Magazine and Nicholas Cage) but it's not as if I know them personally. This girl is someone I know personally and I was ready to poke her eyes out with a fork. That's a very odd and unusual feeling for me.

But it's ok. I'm in the early part of class #11 and I have to complete 12 classes. I really am close to being done. And I have a notepad full of things I want to blog about when I have my life back. But in the meantime, I hope this post for Livia will make her happy enough to share that Taco Villa burrito with me.

What April Showers Brought Me

Things that are ticking me off:

1. The person in my office who keeps warming up some sort of stinky tuna concoction, allows it to overflow in the microwave, then refuses to clean up the spill.

2. My current grad school class that has not been like any of the others. This one has 3 professors in charge of it and that was just the first of many red flags.

3. The squirrels and raccoons who are in a full-blown turf war for the creek in my backyard.

Things that are helping me forget about being ticked off:

1. Discount Easter candy at the grocery store. And at CVS. And the ones stuck to the bottom of my nephew's Easter basket.

2. My friends who are rounding out the first month of spring with pictures of their babies in sunglasses.

3. The upcoming Flight of the Conchords concert. It's on May 5 - Cinco de Mayo!! Should I dress accordingly?

What's That Smell?

One of my favorite things to do is read the newspaper on a slow, weekend afternoon. A while back, I walked out of my front door on a Saturday morning to get the newspaper (which is always at the very end of the driveway) and saw this:











Nice, huh? Well, last weekend, I stepped out of the front door to go get the paper and I got a whiff of something awful. It honestly smelled like someone had pooped on my front porch. I thought it might be a gift from one of the neighborhood dogs - or kids. But I couldn't find anything. As I walked to the end of the driveway, the odor got even more pungent.

Then I realized my neighbor across the street had a rake in his hand and was turning the soil in his compost pile! In his FRONT yard! The smell was so bad I actually gagged.

I have seen the circular shaped thing in his yard before but I thought it was the remnants of an old tree that had been removed. At times, there are faint odors circling the neighborhood but I thought it was coming from one of the neighborhood trash bins. But no. It's the compost pile. The stinkiest, grossest compost pile this side of Rio Grande. I actually feel even more sorry for the guy who lives right next door to him. Check it:















Don't get me wrong. I understand composting and why it's important. I am pro-compost piles. But I am anti-stinky ones in the front yard. Icky.

To Walk Or Not To Walk

Things here in nerdville are moving right along. This idea for a second Master's degree is a little nuts but, as you know, I'm the eternal nerd so I would not have it any other way.

I am close to the end of grad school class #8 and it's hard to believe that I did all of that in just 11 months! It takes 5 weeks to get through one class so they are rigorous and fast-paced. But the good thing is that all of my classes are really interesting. So even though I complain sometimes, I do enjoy what I am learning and I even enjoy the assignments. (Mostly, my complaints are that I don't have any free time. And I have to take my school work with me everywhere I go... like a true geek.)

Here's the kicker... once I complete 12 classes, I'm done. I have the sinking suspicion that my parents want me to walk at the graduation ceremony and I don't want to do it. I did participate in the full swing of graduation ceremonies twice! (When I finished college and grad school.) But a third time might do me in. So I did a pros and cons list - which would look totally different if my mom had done it.

Pros:

• My nephews and nieces can be there and actually remember it.
• I have family in the town where the university is located.
  

Cons:

• I have to buy invitations, a cap, gown and graduate sash.
• The town where the university is located is 5 hours away.
• We have to sit through a long ceremony.
  

What do you think? Should I walk again?

Spoiled Milk

I'm in the closet right now. I literally am sitting in my closet with M because there is a tornado nearby. The sirens went off, we grabbed Pedro the parakeet and ran to the closet. While I'm in here, I thought it would be a good time to tell the story about Milk. 

M and I went to see the movie Milk. I've been eager to see it and we finally got tickets over the weekend to a 10:15 p.m. showing. We bought our tickets early and went to have some cocktails. At 9:50 we went back to the theater and handed over our tickets. The Angelika theater employee said, "Theater 3 on the left." We went straight into the theater and realized that the previous showing was not yet over. And we happened to walk in right at THE pivotal point of the movie!!  I was so pissed at that girl for taking our tickets and telling us to go right on in. Ugh!! Sigh. Groan.

Don't get me wrong, most people know the history of Harvey Milk and how his story ends. But to see it happening on film right as we walked in was such a bummer. It spoiled Milk for me. However, the movie was still awesome. Go see it. And recruit a friend to go with you. 

Update: Sirens went off so I'm off. I have homework. 

Spotted: Rocky the Raccoon

If you will recall, it was about a year ago that I found raccoons in my attic. I was mortified because those little things are known to cause all kinds of electrical and structural damage. Anyhoo... my dad and M worked very hard to close up all the vents so that the raccoons would not use my attic as their honeymoon suite.

However, I recently spotted Rocky (as M has named him) trying to get into one of the eave vents. Obviously, it didn’t work and only his body was able to cram into that tight space. He is clearly embarrassed and allowed me to snap this quick picture before he fell right out of there.